The Ones We Never Got to Know-And Why That's On Us

Photo Credit - Rajiv Perera - Unsplash

It’s a sobering thought to attend the funeral of a family member and realize you never really knew them. Not just because life got busy or distance made it hard, but because, if we’re honest, we chose not to know them.

That thought has been stirring in me after reflecting on the deaths of two of my family members—an aunt and an uncle. My sister and I were talking about them, and she said something that stuck with me: “I never really knew them.” My response was simple, maybe even a bit jarring: “You never got to know them because you chose not to.”

Sometimes the truth is uncomfortable, but that doesn’t make it any less true.

In our family, like in many families, there were different “camps or different relational circles that people naturally gravitated toward. Some camps were built around shared struggles, personalities, comfort zones, or past experiences. Others were drawn together by mutual interests, values, or life goals. But what’s important is that these camps weren’t divided by right or wrong, good or bad. They were just different.

Looking back, I can see how some relationships were nurtured while others were avoided. Not because people were unkind or unworthy, but because assumptions were made, or because it felt easier to stay within familiar territory. And as a result, opportunities to truly know certain family members were lost, not due to distance or busyness, but because of choice.

Why Don’t We Get to Know Some Family Members?

Here are just a few reasons why people choose not to pursue certain relationships in their family:

• Prejudgment and Assumptions – We decide who someone is based on gossip, family narratives, or what someone else said, rather than what we’ve seen or experienced ourselves.

• Insecurity – We feel like we don’t measure up or won’t be accepted, so we avoid the relationship altogether.

• Guilt by Association – We reject people because of who they’re related to or associated with, even if they have never done anything wrong to us.

• Fear of Rejection – We’d rather keep a distance than risk reaching out and not being received.

• Influence of Personalities– Sometimes we align with the loudest voices in our family, even if they lead us away from the healthiest relationships.

• Indifference – We don’t ask questions. We assume we already know enough.

• Comfort in the Familiar – When you grow up in a certain kind of family dynamic, anything outside of that, even if it can be healthier, can feel strange. So we stay where it’s familiar, even if it’s limiting.

Soul Searching

Before you say, “I just never really knew them,” pause and ask yourself: Did I try?

Did I move beyond what others told me?

Did I lay down my pride, my insecurity, my assumptions long enough to simply be curious?

We rob ourselves of connection when we judge people through the lens of our presumptions and insecurity. We project our stuff onto them and then use that projection as the reason we stay away. But healing starts when we own our part. It starts when we ask ourselves: Who did I choose not to know, and why? This isn’t about guilt, it’s about awareness. You know that I'm all about fostering self-awareness, right?

Don’t let other people’s opinions about family members become your truth. Go find out for yourself. Ask. Listen. Learn. Connect. You might discover love, wisdom, laughter, or a shared story that could change your life. But you’ll never know unless you try.

Always encouraging reflection,

WandaP

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